So I’m waiting for a package to be delivered via FedEx SmartPost. SmartPost is designed to reduce costs associated with the “last mile” of delivery. Stuff travels via FedEx to the local post office, then the U.S. Postal Service handles the actual delivery.

My experience with SmartPost service has been terrible, but this was bad even by dealing-with-the-post-office standards.

My package made its way through the FedEx system without incident, arriving at my local post office on Thursday, February 20. It was even delivered at 10:17 a.m. that very same day!

But not really. The post office marked it as delivered but didn’t actually deliver the goods. They didn’t actually even deliver regular mail on Thursday. Friday was a repeat performance: no package and no mail.

So I called the post office on Saturday. They told me that I had placed my mail on hold (false), then told me they’d accepted a verbal hold from someone who doesn’t live at this address (also likely false). When I challenged them on accepting a verbal hold on mail, they snickeringly asked me if I knew someone named “old lady” – because that’s who requested it. I can’t think of anyone I’d describe as an “old lady” in our immediate neighborhood. Maybe it’s just the USPS being lazy and lying to me, but it’s a lot more entertaining to think that I might have a shadowy mystery super-villain neighbor who exists to delay my mail.